My Kick Up the Arse

So once again I've neglected my blog, I have reasoning though! My little baby boy was born on the 24th of June at 4:04, he was ten days overdue and weighed a colossal 8lb 4oz. He is adorable and I do love him but at the moment I'm finding it hard. I'm living with my boyfriend and his parents, which I am extremely grateful for, but being so far from my home and my family is difficult. I need to find something to keep me focused and to keep me from going mad. I will be making my writing a weekly event every Wednesday I shall ramble, it may not make sense or be particularly funny but it will be my thing.

I know I have been saying that for a very long time, but I have found my inspiration for my writings, which I know millions of people have done the same. The UnMumsy Mum is a book comprised of writings by a lady who wanted the world to know that parenthood isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but instead it's teary night feeds and unpractical advice from friends. 

Sleep is calling my name so to be continued next week...

Long Time, No See

I know I haven't posted recently, and like all YouTube vloggers I'm here now to say sorry and to explain myself. So I haven't written in almost a year, a lot has happened. I've lived in a private student house, made some awesome new friends, found out I was pregnant and freaked out until now. 

The student house is something I don't think I will ever like, my housemates weren't really the best people. Well I say that, I just didn't really get along with them. But because of them I was out a lot more, became a lot closer to the friends I already had and made a few new amazing ones, people who in a short amount of time I feel like I can trust and rely on to be there for me and I hope they feel the same way. Through this I found a job at the Bar and well I feel a lot happier with that whole side of me. 

I also found out that I am pregnant within this last year, which well and truly threw my world upside down. It broke me down at first as I thought I was going to lose everything I had worked towards, I thought my boyfriend would walk out on me and I thought my mum would disown me. Luckily none of that happened, I am staying on at uni this year, my boyfriend and I are closer than ever and after leaving my mum to calm down for a while, she came round to the idea of being a young nan. My little boy is due in 4 days time, I thought he would have kicked out earlier but apparently he's too comfy in there to leave. 

This will hopefully be my brains way of kicking itself into gear with the writing thing now, I've missed it and I feel like even if nobody read this, I have and I know that this is making me happy. 

Life is Getting Better Hopefully for Good

So, after a lot of stress, new hair colour and finding somewhere I can afford to live, I've done it! I have paid for the deposit and shall be moving in within the next few weeks. I've made myself proud a lot over the past few months, I've found my house, won an art competition, had a few jobs and best of all I've grown ever closer to my boyfriend. 

I've finally found the me I want to be for the rest of time, I am happy almost all of the time and I really do not care about anyone's opinion, but mine, on myself. I am going out without being scared what people think of me, I dance without a care in the world (without the need to be drunk). The best part of all of it is that I know I make my boyfriend proud everyday and that never ceases to amaze me, I've always wanted to make at least one person proud at some point in my life and I can finally say that I've done that now. It feels so good!

Three weeks ago it was my birthday and I was upset the few days leading up to it, but it turned out to be a really good day. I was surprised with cards from home, two Harley Quinn comics and a Reading Festival ticket none the less! I will be seeing Metallica at the end of the month and I cannot wait, I will finally see my favourite band of all time with some amazing bands supporting throughout the day.

That is enough rambling from me one day, I wanted to express my new found happiness which is hopefully (keep your fingers crossed) here for good.

Wanting to Give Up (yayy)

       Before you start assuming I just want to clear something up, you know when you want to do/be/see/become something and quite literally everything is standing in your way? That is genuinely what it feels like right now. I had, what seemed at the time, a huge breakthrough in which I finally found a guarantor... after at least five grey hairs. (Explaining my hair dying venture recently.) But since then it feels like everything has gone wrong, now I've been becoming more panicky and depressed over the troubles of finding a job over the summer and for someone like me, that in itself is enough to make me panic. The whole talking to people I've never met who are in higher position's than me terrify me to the core, I mean talking to someone my own age is enough to set me off. That, plus the fact that when faced with making myself sound better than I actually am, I end up going to the bad sides of my brain that tell me no better and end up becoming silent while yet again I battle my inner demons. Of course there's also the whole being upbeat and happy and enthusiastic bit, which I'll spare you the details of why I'm not suited to that. Money is the route of all evil and I'll tell you now it couldn't be more accurate, not only are many political parties planning on raising tuition fees, but you can't live off air. It's a necessity, if I don't get a job I can't move into the house I need, which will mean I can't carry on at uni because it's too far to commute from London too and costs too damn much, oh and there's a huge part of my life called BOYFRIEND and FRIENDS (actual ones).

   

     That is why I'm really close to giving up because not only is everything against me, I also have a lot of people against me too. So yay for me, I chose one of the worst things to do at the best time to do it. Even though quitting shouldn't be the answer it sure feels like it should be right now.

Student Problems

     All us students are faced with problems everyday, with my overactive imagination that's really not a good thing. Picture this, I have found a place to live next academic year with some of the best people I know, it's affordable, looks good and well I get to live with my boyfriend for possibly two years. Sounds good right? Wrong, this flags a whole number of problems, i.e finding money for it over the summer, finding money for food over the summer, finding a guarantor (which is extremely difficult with people in my family) and of course the biggest problem moving all of my stuff to the new house. For most people this would be extremely easy to figure out for me, not so much.

     Not only this but I've now had a deadline thrown from obscurity onto me to model a person that is due in three weeks. The best part, I can't model to save my life. I got almost half of it done in the lesson they sprung it on us until the lecturer told us we'd all pretty much done it all wrong. Now I don't know about anyone else but that is an intense soul crushing moment. In about three seconds you realise you've wasted about four hours of your life doing something that will practically fail you.

     Plus I have all the wrong kind of mindsets when it comes to just life in general;
            1. I'm a defeatist, so I rage quit every time I mess something up.
            2. I'm a manic pessimist, before I've begun anything I know that there's the little voice telling                   me I'm really not any good at anything I do anyway.
            3. Finally I'm no good at anything anyway.

     But hey, I have people in class and at home to help me. So what am I worrying about. Right?

'To the One's I Love In My Life'

     There are times in life that you realise there's only one true friend you'll have, and that person is your soul mate. Even they have the chance to walk out of your life 'unexpectedly'. Criticise me all you want, I know I'm a hopeless romantic. But that's a good thing because I always had hope I'd find 'my one'. Granted I thought 'my one' was someone who wandered into my life way too early and frankly wasn't any good for me. All it took was my literal one to crash into my life to realise that the other wasn't all he was cracked up to be at all. But you know what? I'm happy now and will be forever. 

     I have very few friends a lot of the people I know now I can only call acquaintances but I don't care. Because just one of the people I hold in my heart can't compare to a thousand acquaintances, because in all honesty they don't 'know' who I am. People may know of me and my story, but they have no idea who I really am. It took me eighteen years and seven months to figure that one out, but at least I actually figured that one out, right? 

     Those I hold dear in my heart, know who they are, who I am and who we are.I couldn't be any more thankful for that, not only do I have the most amazing boyfriend but I also have the best group of true friends anyone could ask for. Until the end of time I will remember them and all I can do is hope they do too. 

     I wouldn't trade them for the universe and all of it's beautiful stars.  

Seeing Some of My Idols

     So for the first time yesterday I saw a band that I have loved for about ten years, and yes I know that means I was about 8 years of age when I first listened to them. Music is a big part of my life and always has been, my mother once said that when she was pregnant with me she would listen to Frantic by Metallica and fetus me would kick along in time with the music. As early as I can remember I would sit and watch Kerrang and Scuzz, one of the defining moments of my love of music is when my mother walked down the aisle to Metallica's - Nothing Else Matters. That cemented my love for music and made me see all the love people have for music.

     I digress, last night I saw one of my favourite bands last night... who go by the name The Used. They have been people I have looked up to for a very long time and to be frank they helped me when I was at my worst, they were one of the only bands I would listen to when I felt like dying. They played almost all of my favourite songs last night and it brought me joy to finally know that I'd seen them at long last. All the other times they'd come to the UK I didn't have the money or I had nobody to go with because unbeknownst to me not many people I know like the used.

     The one song they didn't play was the one song I wanted them to play the most. Looking around the room a lot of others wanted them to play it too, it means the world to me because from the very beginning of the song it makes sense to someone like me. The song is called I'm a Fake, in the very beginning of it is a spoken word poem that speaks volumes, but in all truth the whole song does.

     The lead singer Bert McCracken is one of the cutest human beings known to man, whilst on stage he made both me and my boyfriend smile and quite literally go 'aww'. He is also one of the nicest human beings I believe, he spoke of the love he also has for music.

     This is the poem that helped me through all of my downfalls in the hope that it could one day help you;

          Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife

Stay Strong Peoples