'To the One's I Love In My Life'

     There are times in life that you realise there's only one true friend you'll have, and that person is your soul mate. Even they have the chance to walk out of your life 'unexpectedly'. Criticise me all you want, I know I'm a hopeless romantic. But that's a good thing because I always had hope I'd find 'my one'. Granted I thought 'my one' was someone who wandered into my life way too early and frankly wasn't any good for me. All it took was my literal one to crash into my life to realise that the other wasn't all he was cracked up to be at all. But you know what? I'm happy now and will be forever. 

     I have very few friends a lot of the people I know now I can only call acquaintances but I don't care. Because just one of the people I hold in my heart can't compare to a thousand acquaintances, because in all honesty they don't 'know' who I am. People may know of me and my story, but they have no idea who I really am. It took me eighteen years and seven months to figure that one out, but at least I actually figured that one out, right? 

     Those I hold dear in my heart, know who they are, who I am and who we are.I couldn't be any more thankful for that, not only do I have the most amazing boyfriend but I also have the best group of true friends anyone could ask for. Until the end of time I will remember them and all I can do is hope they do too. 

     I wouldn't trade them for the universe and all of it's beautiful stars.  

Seeing Some of My Idols

     So for the first time yesterday I saw a band that I have loved for about ten years, and yes I know that means I was about 8 years of age when I first listened to them. Music is a big part of my life and always has been, my mother once said that when she was pregnant with me she would listen to Frantic by Metallica and fetus me would kick along in time with the music. As early as I can remember I would sit and watch Kerrang and Scuzz, one of the defining moments of my love of music is when my mother walked down the aisle to Metallica's - Nothing Else Matters. That cemented my love for music and made me see all the love people have for music.

     I digress, last night I saw one of my favourite bands last night... who go by the name The Used. They have been people I have looked up to for a very long time and to be frank they helped me when I was at my worst, they were one of the only bands I would listen to when I felt like dying. They played almost all of my favourite songs last night and it brought me joy to finally know that I'd seen them at long last. All the other times they'd come to the UK I didn't have the money or I had nobody to go with because unbeknownst to me not many people I know like the used.

     The one song they didn't play was the one song I wanted them to play the most. Looking around the room a lot of others wanted them to play it too, it means the world to me because from the very beginning of the song it makes sense to someone like me. The song is called I'm a Fake, in the very beginning of it is a spoken word poem that speaks volumes, but in all truth the whole song does.

     The lead singer Bert McCracken is one of the cutest human beings known to man, whilst on stage he made both me and my boyfriend smile and quite literally go 'aww'. He is also one of the nicest human beings I believe, he spoke of the love he also has for music.

     This is the poem that helped me through all of my downfalls in the hope that it could one day help you;

          Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife

Stay Strong Peoples

'We Lost Your Photos'

     If there's one thing that really grates on my nerves about student nights? 

     

     Like the title suggests when you arrive you see the photographers doing one of two things;

        looking bored shitless 

        or taking photos of the same god damn people 

  

     Don't get me wrong I love getting a group photo as much as the next person but there's one thing when it comes me and my friends, the photographers memory cards in their big expensive cameras malfunction or they just miraculously loose the photo they took of us. Some of the time I actually look nice too! 

     Take the last student night I went to. It was themed around one of my favourite books and films of all time The Great Gatsby. And so when the leaflet arrived at the beginning of the term, I penciled it in, I bought a pencil skirt and I even went as far as buying a fedora. I looked mighty fine in my gangster get up and I was proud of my boyfriend because in my opinion, he was the hottest looking guy there. 

     We arrived at 11 standard timing for us and mainly for the fact that it was cheaper entry before . half past, but shh only you know we're cheap. Not only that they were selling champagne for £1.50 which we all knew was going to sell out within the hour. Pool was on the agenda but because I wanted our group of four to have a Gatsby photo to commemorate I was watching the photographers. As always taking lame photos of the same people. 

     Finally acquiring on of these mystical beings we finally managed to get a photo and we all looked rather cool, even if I do say so myself. Today the photos were uploaded and as per usual we weren't there. But I think I know why it's because we're not sheep and follow the herd like other people, we're the dark horses and you know what that's the best people to be. We're under the radar and can easily slip under the radar, making us the coolest people I know.  

Here's the only good photo I've been papped in; 

(haha I'm kidding, there aren't any) 

Recovery

           There comes times when you are in the process of recovering from something where you can’t focus on anything and you pretty much loose all faith, I’m at that stage now. I can feel my depression overwhelming me once again and for yet another time in my life it feels like it could possibly get back to ‘that’ stage. But I can’t lose hope, for not only me but for the one I love, I’m living for us because I want to see the world that we will create together and even though that sounds tremendously cheesy it’s unbelievably true.

            Now when you have depression you learn to be amazing at putting up facades, I feel like I’m a pro because still nobody has picked up on me. But here’s the thing, I am not nor do I want to be proud of that, other people may be but I can’t think of a worse way to disappoint people and this is why I need to be even more open than I am now because I think that could possibly be one of the reasons why I’m feeling so crap at the moment. If you ever feel like this I urge you to talk to someone close about it because bottling it up is one of the worse things you can do, trust me there’s a reason I used to wear bracelets and now have tattoos.

        On the brighter side, this is the first time I’ve felt like this since the end of last year, which makes it a whole month and two days since I last felt like this and that is one thing that I will let myself be proud of. From here on in I vow to not let things get to this level for me to speak out about it, and I really hope that you can use my waffling to help you in your own processes too. Whether you’re recovering from something or even just trying to help yourself be less of a pessimist, it’s always good to start off somewhere small.