Life is Getting Better Hopefully for Good

So, after a lot of stress, new hair colour and finding somewhere I can afford to live, I've done it! I have paid for the deposit and shall be moving in within the next few weeks. I've made myself proud a lot over the past few months, I've found my house, won an art competition, had a few jobs and best of all I've grown ever closer to my boyfriend. 

I've finally found the me I want to be for the rest of time, I am happy almost all of the time and I really do not care about anyone's opinion, but mine, on myself. I am going out without being scared what people think of me, I dance without a care in the world (without the need to be drunk). The best part of all of it is that I know I make my boyfriend proud everyday and that never ceases to amaze me, I've always wanted to make at least one person proud at some point in my life and I can finally say that I've done that now. It feels so good!

Three weeks ago it was my birthday and I was upset the few days leading up to it, but it turned out to be a really good day. I was surprised with cards from home, two Harley Quinn comics and a Reading Festival ticket none the less! I will be seeing Metallica at the end of the month and I cannot wait, I will finally see my favourite band of all time with some amazing bands supporting throughout the day.

That is enough rambling from me one day, I wanted to express my new found happiness which is hopefully (keep your fingers crossed) here for good.

Wanting to Give Up (yayy)

       Before you start assuming I just want to clear something up, you know when you want to do/be/see/become something and quite literally everything is standing in your way? That is genuinely what it feels like right now. I had, what seemed at the time, a huge breakthrough in which I finally found a guarantor... after at least five grey hairs. (Explaining my hair dying venture recently.) But since then it feels like everything has gone wrong, now I've been becoming more panicky and depressed over the troubles of finding a job over the summer and for someone like me, that in itself is enough to make me panic. The whole talking to people I've never met who are in higher position's than me terrify me to the core, I mean talking to someone my own age is enough to set me off. That, plus the fact that when faced with making myself sound better than I actually am, I end up going to the bad sides of my brain that tell me no better and end up becoming silent while yet again I battle my inner demons. Of course there's also the whole being upbeat and happy and enthusiastic bit, which I'll spare you the details of why I'm not suited to that. Money is the route of all evil and I'll tell you now it couldn't be more accurate, not only are many political parties planning on raising tuition fees, but you can't live off air. It's a necessity, if I don't get a job I can't move into the house I need, which will mean I can't carry on at uni because it's too far to commute from London too and costs too damn much, oh and there's a huge part of my life called BOYFRIEND and FRIENDS (actual ones).

   

     That is why I'm really close to giving up because not only is everything against me, I also have a lot of people against me too. So yay for me, I chose one of the worst things to do at the best time to do it. Even though quitting shouldn't be the answer it sure feels like it should be right now.

Student Problems

     All us students are faced with problems everyday, with my overactive imagination that's really not a good thing. Picture this, I have found a place to live next academic year with some of the best people I know, it's affordable, looks good and well I get to live with my boyfriend for possibly two years. Sounds good right? Wrong, this flags a whole number of problems, i.e finding money for it over the summer, finding money for food over the summer, finding a guarantor (which is extremely difficult with people in my family) and of course the biggest problem moving all of my stuff to the new house. For most people this would be extremely easy to figure out for me, not so much.

     Not only this but I've now had a deadline thrown from obscurity onto me to model a person that is due in three weeks. The best part, I can't model to save my life. I got almost half of it done in the lesson they sprung it on us until the lecturer told us we'd all pretty much done it all wrong. Now I don't know about anyone else but that is an intense soul crushing moment. In about three seconds you realise you've wasted about four hours of your life doing something that will practically fail you.

     Plus I have all the wrong kind of mindsets when it comes to just life in general;
            1. I'm a defeatist, so I rage quit every time I mess something up.
            2. I'm a manic pessimist, before I've begun anything I know that there's the little voice telling                   me I'm really not any good at anything I do anyway.
            3. Finally I'm no good at anything anyway.

     But hey, I have people in class and at home to help me. So what am I worrying about. Right?

'To the One's I Love In My Life'

     There are times in life that you realise there's only one true friend you'll have, and that person is your soul mate. Even they have the chance to walk out of your life 'unexpectedly'. Criticise me all you want, I know I'm a hopeless romantic. But that's a good thing because I always had hope I'd find 'my one'. Granted I thought 'my one' was someone who wandered into my life way too early and frankly wasn't any good for me. All it took was my literal one to crash into my life to realise that the other wasn't all he was cracked up to be at all. But you know what? I'm happy now and will be forever. 

     I have very few friends a lot of the people I know now I can only call acquaintances but I don't care. Because just one of the people I hold in my heart can't compare to a thousand acquaintances, because in all honesty they don't 'know' who I am. People may know of me and my story, but they have no idea who I really am. It took me eighteen years and seven months to figure that one out, but at least I actually figured that one out, right? 

     Those I hold dear in my heart, know who they are, who I am and who we are.I couldn't be any more thankful for that, not only do I have the most amazing boyfriend but I also have the best group of true friends anyone could ask for. Until the end of time I will remember them and all I can do is hope they do too. 

     I wouldn't trade them for the universe and all of it's beautiful stars.  

Seeing Some of My Idols

     So for the first time yesterday I saw a band that I have loved for about ten years, and yes I know that means I was about 8 years of age when I first listened to them. Music is a big part of my life and always has been, my mother once said that when she was pregnant with me she would listen to Frantic by Metallica and fetus me would kick along in time with the music. As early as I can remember I would sit and watch Kerrang and Scuzz, one of the defining moments of my love of music is when my mother walked down the aisle to Metallica's - Nothing Else Matters. That cemented my love for music and made me see all the love people have for music.

     I digress, last night I saw one of my favourite bands last night... who go by the name The Used. They have been people I have looked up to for a very long time and to be frank they helped me when I was at my worst, they were one of the only bands I would listen to when I felt like dying. They played almost all of my favourite songs last night and it brought me joy to finally know that I'd seen them at long last. All the other times they'd come to the UK I didn't have the money or I had nobody to go with because unbeknownst to me not many people I know like the used.

     The one song they didn't play was the one song I wanted them to play the most. Looking around the room a lot of others wanted them to play it too, it means the world to me because from the very beginning of the song it makes sense to someone like me. The song is called I'm a Fake, in the very beginning of it is a spoken word poem that speaks volumes, but in all truth the whole song does.

     The lead singer Bert McCracken is one of the cutest human beings known to man, whilst on stage he made both me and my boyfriend smile and quite literally go 'aww'. He is also one of the nicest human beings I believe, he spoke of the love he also has for music.

     This is the poem that helped me through all of my downfalls in the hope that it could one day help you;

          Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife

Stay Strong Peoples

'We Lost Your Photos'

     If there's one thing that really grates on my nerves about student nights? 

     

     Like the title suggests when you arrive you see the photographers doing one of two things;

        looking bored shitless 

        or taking photos of the same god damn people 

  

     Don't get me wrong I love getting a group photo as much as the next person but there's one thing when it comes me and my friends, the photographers memory cards in their big expensive cameras malfunction or they just miraculously loose the photo they took of us. Some of the time I actually look nice too! 

     Take the last student night I went to. It was themed around one of my favourite books and films of all time The Great Gatsby. And so when the leaflet arrived at the beginning of the term, I penciled it in, I bought a pencil skirt and I even went as far as buying a fedora. I looked mighty fine in my gangster get up and I was proud of my boyfriend because in my opinion, he was the hottest looking guy there. 

     We arrived at 11 standard timing for us and mainly for the fact that it was cheaper entry before . half past, but shh only you know we're cheap. Not only that they were selling champagne for £1.50 which we all knew was going to sell out within the hour. Pool was on the agenda but because I wanted our group of four to have a Gatsby photo to commemorate I was watching the photographers. As always taking lame photos of the same people. 

     Finally acquiring on of these mystical beings we finally managed to get a photo and we all looked rather cool, even if I do say so myself. Today the photos were uploaded and as per usual we weren't there. But I think I know why it's because we're not sheep and follow the herd like other people, we're the dark horses and you know what that's the best people to be. We're under the radar and can easily slip under the radar, making us the coolest people I know.  

Here's the only good photo I've been papped in; 

(haha I'm kidding, there aren't any) 

Recovery

           There comes times when you are in the process of recovering from something where you can’t focus on anything and you pretty much loose all faith, I’m at that stage now. I can feel my depression overwhelming me once again and for yet another time in my life it feels like it could possibly get back to ‘that’ stage. But I can’t lose hope, for not only me but for the one I love, I’m living for us because I want to see the world that we will create together and even though that sounds tremendously cheesy it’s unbelievably true.

            Now when you have depression you learn to be amazing at putting up facades, I feel like I’m a pro because still nobody has picked up on me. But here’s the thing, I am not nor do I want to be proud of that, other people may be but I can’t think of a worse way to disappoint people and this is why I need to be even more open than I am now because I think that could possibly be one of the reasons why I’m feeling so crap at the moment. If you ever feel like this I urge you to talk to someone close about it because bottling it up is one of the worse things you can do, trust me there’s a reason I used to wear bracelets and now have tattoos.

        On the brighter side, this is the first time I’ve felt like this since the end of last year, which makes it a whole month and two days since I last felt like this and that is one thing that I will let myself be proud of. From here on in I vow to not let things get to this level for me to speak out about it, and I really hope that you can use my waffling to help you in your own processes too. Whether you’re recovering from something or even just trying to help yourself be less of a pessimist, it’s always good to start off somewhere small.  

People You Love

There are a few types of people you know in this world; the people you meet and loose and the people you hold in your heart forever. I have a lot of the first kind but a few dear people who fall into the second category and no matter how many of the first kind you may have they will never make up for one of the second, it’s the people you will know and love for the rest of your life that help you through your life and make it worth living. They give you stupid little memories that you’ll always cherish, but they also know when you need them the most without you saying so. You have a connection nobody can describe and you both feel like you’re inseparable siblings and to everyone else it looks like it too.

To me, true friends are the weird ones the ones who are exactly like me and I don’t know about you but they are also the most genuine human beings on the planet. They don’t have to make a persona to sell themselves to you because no matter how weird they are they’ll always be your bestie, when you’re together the weirdness is tripled because you’re both bouncing off each other and that is the definition of amazing my friends. It is the ability to keep being yourself even when there are passerbies calling you ‘weird’, my boyfriend is the perfect example of that.

I encourage you to find you’re person, because they’re out there somewhere. 

A New Year and A Whole New Me

Well last year had it's fair share of ups and downs, the beginning of the year saw me open up and finally get rid of my abusive step father, but also saw the beginning of my first real relationship (if you could call it that). 

As the year progressed I became someone who was focused and wanted to lead a normal life, who wanted to be the best person I could, I wanted to leave home, go to Uni and show the world who i truly was. Towards the end of the year I finally did that when I met 'the one' I started changing into the person I actually wanted to be rather than the person who I thought people wanted me to be. I got rid of my ex who was holding me back, I got out of the place that was holding me back and I found the people who truly help me excel in this life. 

The closest of my tight knit group of friends truly saved me from myself, that person is my boyfriend. He helped me to see that I didn't need to hate myself for stupid little things, hell, I didn't need to hate myself at all, the amount of love that he shows me on a constant basis, not daily or hourly, constant, showed me that. So on the 31st of December 2014, me and my boyfriend drove out to the park and I safely discarded the things that I used to hurt myself and once used to attempt end my life, I didn't even hesitate to get rid of them which surprised both myself and him, we both thought I would try and hold on to them until the last minute but I didn't. I am the proudest I've ever been of myself and I think I'm truly beginning to like myself and who I've become in this life. Yes, there were a few times in my life that I honestly believe that I could have handled it better but that helped to shape who I am today and looking back I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I'm going to embrace this little infinity that will span the rest of my life, this little section will be shared with the one person I'll love for eternity. 

This year began with the best night I've ever had, filled with amazing people and also exercised the way that I literally care for anyone, one girl Sammy was walking home clinging to her friend drunk and me being the person I am decided to help her friend hold her up and walk her home. This girl was extremely thin but wasn't light due to the fact she was falling all over the place but I held her up the whole way home. That is who I want to be this year, someone who never ceases caring, who loves and is loved and also I want to be conscious about every decision I make this year. 

My resolutions this year are ones I will keep to, no matter what: 
 1. To loose some weight and tone up.
 2. Budget!! I don't want to run out of money again!
 3. Get at least two new tattoo's
 4. Most importantly get over my depression and anxiety, originally I gave myself 5 years to do that but I feel like now I can do it. The time is now!!

This is the year of happiness, go and find yours! 
<3